Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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