just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize