i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
