We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
