do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
