Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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