So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
