Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
