I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
