How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
