We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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