you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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