So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
