Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The air was thick with penises
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
