I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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