i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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