i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize