You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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