i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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