seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
