Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
