If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
