well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
