Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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