You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
