after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
