I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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