Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
