Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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