ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Randomize
