my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
