I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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