if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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