even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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