ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize