god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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