watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
