so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
