The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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