This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
