My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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