I like to think it a success when the cops are called
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
