Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
