Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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