I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
