im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
