remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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