I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
