jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
