It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
