why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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