My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize