Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
