I think I died a long time ago.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
