; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You can't special order awesome
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
