I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
