look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
