I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
