I cannot find my penis.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
