i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
