no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
