it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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