well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
