Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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