I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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